Can You Talk About Anything with Anyone, Anytime? 8 Principles for Holding REAL Conversations Because we perceive that certain conversations are difficult to hold, we either avoid them altogether or our best attempts leave much to be desired. Most of us struggle to talk about what matters most. We engage in fake talk all kinds of talk that fails to achieve results, create respect, and build the relationships that we desire. In order to achieve all that we want through conversation, we need to learn to hold REAL conversations. REAL conversations are created through the application of the eight specific principles that impact every conversation that we hold. These principles encompass awareness, knowledge, reflection, perception, preparation, expression, discovery, and connection. Whether we are aware of these principles or not, they influence every conversation we hold and they can be learned, understood, and applied in the most difficult conversations that confront us. Everyone can learn to talk about anything with anyone, anytime. 2014 DialogueWORKS, LC. All rights reserved. We invite you to visit our website at www.dialogueworks.com. When you create a log-in, you will have access, free of charge, to a wide variety of articles, audio/visual media, and other valuable resources that will assist you in assessing and improving your communication skills. We look forward to welcoming you to the DialogueWORKS community! THIS POWERFUL DIALOGUEWORKS TRAINING WILL ENABLE YOU TO:! Read the dynamics of any conversation and learn to manage them to achieve results.! Use the DialogueWORKS process for holding any conversation with anyone no matter how difficult the topic.! Identify the different Interaction Styles that people display and how to match their style to increase connection and engagement.! Surface and challenge the accuracy of our thinking.! Express your ideas to create more contribution and collaboration rather than defensiveness and resistance.! Prepare in a way that guarantees the conversation s success.! Ask the types of questions that increase security and openness.! Uncover the meaning behind hot or negatively charged words. DialogueWORKS 1.801.491.5010 www.dialogueworks.com info@dialogueworks.com
Can You Talk About Anything with Anyone, Anytime? Eight Principles for Holding REAL Conversations www.dialogueworks.com John R. Stoker has been immersed in organizational development for over 20 years. He is the Founder and President of DialogueWORKS, Inc. John's expertise centers on dialogue, conflict resolution, critical thinking skills, leadership, and emotional intelligence." " Slide deck available at DialogueWORKS.com/hrwebinar John R. Stoker, President What is FAKE Talk? ü Intentionally using untruths ü Unintentionally being vague or unclear ü Going along to be agreeable ü Focusing on what is politically correct 3" FAKE Talk is any conversation that does not achieve the desired results. All Rights Reserved. 1
Why is REAL Talk Important? Kaplan & Norton Study at Harvard "How many employees didn t know how their work supported the organization's strategy?" 4" Why is REAL Talk Important? Kaplan & Norton Study at Harvard "How many employees didn t know how their work supported the organization's strategy?" 95% Why? 5" Why is REAL Talk Important? Kaplan & Norton Study at Harvard "How many employees didn t know how their work supported the organization's strategy?" 95% Why? 6" Leadership Communication All Rights Reserved. 2
What are the Results of FAKE Talk? ü Loss of productivity ü Lack of accountability ü No conflict resolution ü Work inefficiency or redundancy ü Lack of personal engagement and team collaboration 7" The Effectiveness Model Increasing effectiveness increases our overall capacity to achieve results,, improve respect,, and build relationships. 8" The REAL Principles" " Four principles determine the effectiveness of any conversation you hold:" 1. Awareness Choose to Be Conscious 2. Knowledge Do to Know 3. Preparation Prepare or Beware 4. Reflection Reflect Reflections 9" All Rights Reserved. 3
The REAL Skills " Four skills determine the effectiveness of any conversation you hold: 5. Perception Recognize & Suspend to Uncover 6. Expression Express Your Intention 7. Discovery Ask to Reveal 8. Connection Listen & Attend to Connect 10" The Awareness Principle" Ø Awareness is about recognizing the dynamics present in every conversation. Ø Awareness requires that we give deliberate attention to ourselves and what to what we are hearing and seeing in the conversation. Ø We must choose to be conscious. 11" Above vs. Below the Line Behavior 12" All Rights Reserved. 4
How Can You Lift the Conversation? Ø Ask questions when people go below the line. 13" For example: You see someone fold their arms, look away, roll their eyes, and become emotional as you are sharing an idea. Ask: I m wondering if you have some concerns about my idea? or Tell me what you think about my idea. Recognize behavior and ask for meaning. The Knowledge Principle" Ø Knowledge focuses on our ability to choose a response. Ø What you know does you no good unless you do something. Ø Often you don t know what you know until you do something. The Knowledge Cycle" Ø To know what you know, you must do something. Ø When you don t get the results you want, either you are not doing what you know, or you don t know what you are doing. All Rights Reserved. 5
Knowledge Skill The REAL Conversation Model" 16 The REAL Conversation Framework " ü Initiation focuses the attention of your listener while sharing data and interpretation. ü Discovery is the process of asking questions to confirm or learn. ü Connection summarizes values, establishes expectations, and clarifies consequences. ü Building creates accountability by agreeing on a plan and gaining commitment. Build Initiate Connect Discover Do it to know it! 17 Using the REAL Conversation Framework Build " Establish Accountability! " Create a plan." " " Gain commitment." " Initiate Describe the Situation! " Begin by focusing attention, sharing facts, and sharing interpretations. Connect " Clarify Understanding! 18" " Summarize & clarify values." " Share expectations & consequences." " Discover Gain Understanding! " Ask to confirm or learn." All Rights Reserved. 6
The Preparation Principle Ø Preparation allows you to talk about difficult topics with confidence. Ø If you do not prepare, then you are forced to shoot from the hip. Ø If you don t know what you want or how you will achieve your objectives, you are sure to fall short. 19" Why Prepare?" 20 Conscious Logical/Rational Subconscious Protective/Illogical Unconscious Reactive/Protective Ø Failure to prepare ensures you will go to fight or flight. Ø Preparation is the key to creating a new reality. Identifying Your Intent ü Identify your intent. What do you want? What is your purpose? Why is it important to identify intent? 21" If you don t know what you want, it doesn t really matter what you get. All Rights Reserved. 7
Attention Check" " Begin with an Attention Check: Ø Share your intention. I d like to talk about representing the company well. Ø Ask for permission. Can we talk about that? 22" An attention check should be neutral or positive. Watch Your Tone!" " 38% of the content of any message is in the tone that is used. " The tone of a message is aligned with the nonverbals displayed. " Respect is communicated in both word and tone. 23 Neutral or positive The Reflection Principle" Ø People are constantly reflecting mental, vocal, visual, and verbal messages to us. Ø These messages reflect a certain Interaction Style that people prefer. Ø When our style is different, we run the risk of offending others without intending to. 24" All Rights Reserved. 8
Understanding Interaction Styles" (TELL) (PEOPLE-ORIENTED) (TASK-ORIENTED) 25" (ASK) Reflection Skill Noticing Clusters" Builder Recognition Expressive Animated Touches Sweet Initiator Action Points or Chops Blunt, Forceful No Limitation Results 26" Connector Relationships Minimal Quiet Two Arm s Lengths Team Reflect their reflection Discoverer Precision Rigid Monotone One Arm Length Data Match Don t Mimic" ü Match or adapt to their proximity, eye contact, gestures, tempo, and tone by gently reflecting their behavior to them. ü Summarize to check clarity and understanding by asking questions. Caveat: Don t Parrot or Mimic 27" All Rights Reserved. 9
The Process of Perception " 28" The Perception Principle Observe Select 29" Ø What we selectively see, hear, and think is incomplete and inaccurate. Assessing the Accuracy of Your Thinking" Ø Data are facts and information that are verifiable. Ø Interpretation is the meaning we assign to the facts. 30" Unfortunately, we see our thinking as fact. All Rights Reserved. 10
The Expression Principle" Ø How we share our ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings is an extension of ourselves. Ø The words we use, our tone, word inflection, emotional energy, tempo, and pauses reflect what s going on in our head. Ø The challenge is to express ourselves in a way that creates engagement, not defensiveness. 31" Expressing Skill " " Use I-statements rather than You-statements when sharing data and interpretation. 32" Why? I-statements establish ownership. I-statements soften the emphasis on you You-statements equate to blame or accusation. For example: You did this incorrectly. versus I wonder if you did this incorrectly. Use I Statements" " Language of Data: I noticed I heard I saw I feel " Language of Interpretation: I wonder I believe 33" I m guessing I m assuming I think I know Use language people can hear. All Rights Reserved. 11
The Discovery Principle" Ø Asking questions is the easiest way to create respect. Ø Authentically trying to understand another is the key to sharing your ideas and perspectives. Ø Asking questions changes minds and hearts. 34 Discovery Skill " " Use questions in this order: Emotion/Security Spectrum Questions demonstrate the depth of understanding you seek. Discovery Purposes " Notice that each type of question has a different purpose. 36 Reflect Acknowledgement I can see you re (emotion/words/action). Request Interest Tell me about Guess Commitment I m guessing I ve offended you? Question Information What led you to that conclusion? Summarize Clarification So what you would like me to do is? All Rights Reserved. 12
The Connection Principle" Ø We create Connection as we listen and attend to one another. Ø We listen with our ears and attend with the rest of us. 37 Connection Skill" Ø Listen for the words and tone that a person uses in conversation. Ø Then ask questions using what you have heard and noticed. 38 Listen and attend to what is being said and to what is not. What s Next? Ø Be Patient Ø Be Persistent Ø Be Prepared Ø Be Proactive Ø Be in Practice 39" All Rights Reserved. 13
Available now in bookstores Ø Article: Productivity and Profitability Ø Ø Ø Ø The Lost Chapter REAL Conversation Self-Assessment Conversational Recipes Handling Emotional Reactions Improving Employee Performance Self-directed Learning Guide Ø 40" Any purchase of 100+ books: Live, free day of training www.dialogueworks.com To receive a copy of the slides from the presentation, please visit:! DialogueWORKS.com/hrwebinar" " Can You Talk About Anything with Anyone, Anytime? Eight Principles for Holding REAL Conversations www.dialogueworks.com All Rights Reserved. 14